You’re making an Idol.
Reading: Jeremiah 1-8
Worship: “I Trust in God” Elevation Worship
There is a special kind of pain that hits when you’re pregnant and suddenly emotionally abandoned. Confusion and sadness collide and you start mentally going through, with a fine tooth comb, the last couple of months trying to find the signs you may have missed that led up to the moment when the man you love looks you in the eyes and says, “I do not love you, I am sorry.”
The minutes afterwards are that of a soldier caught in the middle of battle with a grenade that just went off. Everything begins to move in slow motion, surroundings become quiet and your heart starts beating a million miles a minute. Your spirit shatters and your heart drops to your stomach, as the tears well up in your eyes as you absorb the blast of truth. At that exact moment, you feel your baby kick you deep inside your belly and you’re suddenly transported back to reality. There is a living, tiny human that is going to be affected by everything that happens from this point forward. The weight of that reality drapes you as you silently process what that means.
Becoming a single mom was not supposed to be part of the miracle being granted. How could God grant me my biggest desire with a man who is not capable of loving me or even wants to try. I tried to plead my case with him, from a spiritual perspective, biblical one, emotional one and ultimately a psychological one. At the end of every plea I realized there was a man who was not willing to grow and prefers to step back into past habits and cycles because he is choosing comfort over consistency. I cried to God, my prayers for the day were filled with so much pain but with each tear I thanked Jesus for being here with me and for giving me the greatest gift possible – motherhood. I was deep in the trenches of the Book of Job, naturally, as I felt like I was losing everything and needed to stay rooted in Jesus and praise him. But a funny thing happened after a couple days. God redirected me to the book of Jeremiah with a FB memory of mine from Jan 26 2012 – a message from past me to future me on a day I needed it the most.
A simple text referencing Jeremiah 29:11-12 NLT
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.”
This verse brought me peace, a peace that came from deep within and surpassed all understanding and I knew it was God talking to me. A day later, scrolling on IG I came across the same verse and then on the fifth day again. This stopped me on my mental track and told me I needed to pivot my morning read of Job to Jeremiah. A book I did not have any context on other than this one verse. What would be revealed to me within the first four chapters was mindblowing to me and I knew that Jesus really was in that moment, answering my prayers. As I was digesting the message that Jeremiah had for the people of Jerusalem, something sprouted – a revelation about myself, my past and why things haven’t been working out the way I have hoped. I, without knowing it, had been making a man my idol. In every relationship I had been in from my marriage to long term boyfriends or flings, including the one I had with the father of my daughter, those men replaced God’s place in my life. I stopped reading the bible, stopped really attending church and serving my community, and was involved in immoral acts of sexual perversion and drug abuse. Much like the people of Jerusalem, I turned my back on God and lived by my flesh and not my spirit. Even in moments of hardship and pain, I was never truly surrendering to God’s will, professing him with my mouth but my heart was hardened.
This revelation shook me to my core. Even now, as I was heavily pregnant and heartbroken I felt God speak to me and say “I am here with you, I Love You and my plans for you are for good and better than you can imagine. Trust me.” I wept and felt a sense of release of tension and pressure that I did not realize I was carrying. For the rest of the day, I replayed the last 20 years of my life where a man came into my orbit and how I handled the relationship as well as how everytime hardship happened I always turned to God but up until a year ago, that also included reading tarot cards and crystals to help move things along. I now know and understand that occult and Jesus do not mix and I immediately repented for putting a man on a pedestal and not truly trusting Jesus to carry me through. I was reminded through prayer one night at my church’s annual worship night, that everyone has free will and even God himself will not intervene, when someone’s heart is not in it – just like he didn’t when the people of Judah and Jerusalem turned their backs on him.
This led me to understand and uncover that my resilience over the years and the tears I shed previously, from my miscarriages, divorce, abuse, and insecurities, were all seeds being planted so that now I can handle a bloom with Jesus. I started praying differently realizing that maybe the prayer is not to fix it Jesus, but rather fix me Lord, look into my spirit and heart and shred it to pieces. Strip me of what no longer serves me and help me grow closer to you. As I get ready to bring forth life into this world and begin my new journey of motherhood, I look at the father of my child with eyes of love and extend grace, the same way God has extended it to me all these years. I cover him in prayer and ask that Jesus reveals himself to him so that he may have a moment where he knows Jesus is with him, even now, as he navigates the fear that is paralyzing him to step fully into his role as father and partner, for our family.
Sometimes God isolates us because he wants us to keep our eyes and trust in him, and on the other side of it is his plan for us; and you know what they say – If you want to make God laugh, tell him the plans you have for your life.
Pecoché Creative 